Sports Jokes

sports

First Football Game

A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game. Afterward he asked her how she like the game.
‘I liked it, but I couldn’t understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents,’ she said.
‘What do you mean?’ he asked.
‘Well, everyone kept yelling, ‘Get the quarter back!’

Keep An Eye On Your Cousin

“I thought I told you to keep an eye on your cousin,” the mother said. “Where is he?”
“Well,” her son replied thoughtfully, “if he knows as much about canoeing as he thinks he does, he’s out canoeing. If he knows as little as I think he does, he’s out swimming.”

Putting Up With Jocks

The basketball coach stormed into the university president’s office and demanded a raise right then and there.
“Please,” protested the college President, “you already make more than the entire History department.”
“Yeah, maybe so, but you don’t know what I have to put up with,” the coach blustered. “Look.”
He went out into the hall and grabbed a jock who was jogging down the hallway. “Run over to my office and see if I’m there,” he ordered.
Twenty minutes later the jock returned, sweaty and out of breath.
“You’re not there, sir,” he reported.
“Oh, I see what you mean,” conceded the President, scratching his head. “I would have phoned.”

Puppy Love

My dog chewed the tongue on one of my new, expensive running shoes. I hoped to save my investment, so I took the sneakers to a shoe repair shop. I placed them on the counter and told the man, “My dog got hold of this.”
The repairman picked up the shoe, looked it over, and placed it back down on the counter. “Well, what do you recommend?” I asked.
He looked at me and replied, “Give your dog the other shoe.”

Baseball In Heaven

Two old men had been best friends for years, and they both live to their early 90’s, when one of them suddenly falls deathly ill. His friend comes to visit him on his deathbed, and they’re reminiscing about their long friendship, when the dying man’s friend asks, “Listen, when you die, do me a favor. I want to know if there’s baseball in heaven.”
The dying man said, “We’ve been friends for years, this I’ll do for you.” And then he dies. A couple days later, his surviving friend is sleeping when he hears his friend’s voice. The voice says, “I’ve got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that there’s baseball in heaven.”
“What’s the bad news?”
“The bad news is that you’re pitching on Wednesday.”

The Races

Mitch, a hard-shell Southern Baptist, loved to sneak away to the race track. One day he was there betting on the ponies and nearly losing his shirt when he noticed this priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race. Lo and behold, this horse – a very long shot – won the race.
Mitch was most interested to see what the priest did the next race. Sure enough, he watched the priest step out onto the track as the 5th race horses lined up, and placed this blessing on the forehead of one of the horses. Mitch made a beeline for the window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race. Mitch collected his winning and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest bestowed his blessing on for the 6th race.
The priest showed, blessed a horse, Mitch bet on it, and it won! Mitch was elated! As the day went on, the priest continued blessing one of the horses, and it always came in first. Mitch began to pull in some serious money, and by the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick stop at the ATM, withdrew big money and awaited the priest’s blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.
True to his pattern, the priest stepped out onto the track before the last race and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears and hooves of one of the horses. Mitchell be every cent, and watched the horse come in dead last. Mitchell was dumbfounded. He made his way to the track and when he found the priest, he demanded, “What happened, Father? All day you blessed horses and they
won. The last race, you blessed a horse and he lost. Now I’ve lost my savings, thanks to you!!”
The priest nodded wisely and said, “That’s the problem with you Protestants… you can’t tell the difference between a simple blessing and the last Rites.”

Ski Trip

Mr. Jacobson decided to take a week off from the pressures of the office and went skiing. Alas, no sooner did he reach the slopes than he heard an ominous rumbling: moments later a sheet of snow came crashing toward him.
Fortunately, Mr. Jacobson was able to jump into a cave just before the avalanche hit. Just as fortunately, he had matches with him and was able to light a fire.
Hours later, when everyone but Mr. Jacobson had returned, a rescue team was sent to search for him.
After several hours they saw smoke curling from the cave and went to investigate.
Poking his head into the entrance, one of the rescuers yelled, “Mr. Jacobson, are you there? It’s the Red Cross.”
Bristling, the harried executive called back, “Get lost. I gave at the office!”

Jogging Shoes

Deciding to take up jogging, the middle-aged man was astounded by the wide selection of jogging shoes available at the local sports shoe store. While trying on a basic pair of jogging shoe, he noticed a minor feature and asked the clerk about it. “What’s this little pocket thing here on the side for?” “Oh, that’s to carry spare change so you can call your wife to come pick you up when you’ve jogged too far.”

The Faster You Are

Tom P., the Olympic Gold Medal runner, was on his way to a club with some friends.
At the door, the bouncer turned to him and said “Sorry, mate, you can’t come in here – no denim.”
Tom was quite annoyed at this and retorted, “Don’t you know who I am? I’m Tom P.”
“Then it won’t take you long to run home and change, will it?” replied the bouncer.

Toronto

A man was strolling along the Beaches area in East Toronto when he spotted a bottle floating in Lake Ontario. The bottle drifted ashore. He picked up the bottle and opened it, and out popped a Genie. “Master, you have released me from my bondage in this bottle, ask any three wishes and I will grant them to you.”
The man thought for a moment and said, “I would like the following three things to happen this year — The Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup, the Toronto Blue Jays win the World Series and The Toronto Raptors win the NBA title.”
The Genie thought about this for a moment and jumped back into the bottle.

Taking The Final Exam

Two college basketball players were taking an important final exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the big game the following week. The exam was fill-in-the-blank.
The last question read, “Old MacDonald had a ________.”
Bubba was stumped. He had no idea what to answer. But he knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed.
Making sure the professor wasn’t watching, he tapped Tiny on the shoulder. “Pssst. Tiny. What’s the answer to the last question?”
Tiny laughed. He looked around to make sure the professor hadn’t noticed then he turned to Bubba. “Bubba, you’re so stupid. Everyone knows Old MacDonald had a FARM.”
“Oh yeah,” said Bubba. “I remember now.”
He picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank. He stopped. Tapping Tiny’s shoulder again, he whispered, “Tiny, how do you spell farm?”
“You are really dumb, Bubba. That’s so easy. Farm is spelled E-I-E-I-O.”

Olympic Village

Three guys were trying to sneak into the Olympic Village to scoop souvenirs and autographs. The first says, “Let’s watch the registration table to see if there’s a crack in the security system that we can utilize to scam our way in.”
Immediately, a burly athlete walks up to the table and states, “Angus MacPherson. Scotland. Shotput.” He opens his gym bag to display a shotput to the registration attendant.
The attendant says, “Very good, Mr. MacPherson. Here is your packet of registration materials, complete with hotel keys, passes to all Olympic events, meal tickets, and other information.”
The first guy gets inspired and grabs a small tree sapling, strips off the limbs and roots, walks up the registration table and states: “Chuck Wagon. Canada. Javelin.”
The attendant says, “Very good, Mr. Wagon. Here is your packet of registration materials, hotel keys, passes, meal tickets, and so forth. Good luck!”
The second guy grabs a street utility manhole cover, walks up to the registration table and states: “Dusty Rhodes. Australia. Discus.”
The attendant says, “Terrific, Mr. Rhodes. Here is your packet of registration materials, hotel keys, a full set of passes, and meal tickets. Enjoy yourself.”
They scamper in, but suddenly realize the third guy is missing. They groan, because he’s a simpleton from the hills of Vermont. They forgot to make sure he doesn’t do something stupid and blow their cover stories.
Just then he walks proudly up to the table with a roll of barbed wire under his arm and states: “Foster Bean. Hardwick, Vermont. Fencing.”

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