Relationship Jokes

relationship
  • Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
    really pissed.
    She told him “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
    driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!”The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
    up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
    gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
    Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
    the box back in the house.
    She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
    Bob has been missing since Friday.

 

  • A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.
    She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.
    “What’s the matter, dear?” she whispers as she steps into the room. “Why are you down here at this time of night?”
    The husband looks up, “Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and
    you were only 17?” he asks solemnly.
    The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. “Yes, I do,” she replies.
    The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. “Do you remember when
    you father caught us in the back seat of my car?”
    “Yes, I remember,” says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
    The husband continues…”Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, “Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years”.
    “I remember that too”, she replies softly.
    He wipes another tear from his cheek and says… “I would have gotten out today!”

 

  • The boss came early in the morning one day and found his manager kissing his secretary.
    He shouted at him, “Is this what I pay you for?”
    The manager replied: “No, sir, this I do free of charge.”

 

  • A suspicious husband hired a private eye to check on the movements of his wife. In addition to a written report, the husband wanted a video of his wife’s activities.
    A week later, the detective returned with a film. They sat down together and proceeded to watch it.
    Although the quality was less than professional, the man saw his wife meeting another man! He saw the two of them strolling arm in arm and laughing in the park. He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe. He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub. He saw them take part in a dozen activities with utter glee.
    “I just can’t believe this,” said the distraught husband.
    “What’s not to believe?” the detective said. “It’s right up there on the screen!”
    “I simply can’t believe my wife could be so much fun!” the husband replied.

 

  • A retired gentleman went to the social security office to apply for Social Security.
    The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver’s license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. “I will have to go home and come back later.” The woman says, “Unbutton your shirt.” So he opens his shirt revealing curly silver hair. She says, “That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me” and she processed his Social Security application.
    When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the social security office. She says, “You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.”

 

  • Seen in my local paper’s “readers sales” section.
    FOR SALE BY OWNER
    Complete set of encyclopaedia Britannica.
    45 Volumes. Excellent condition.
    £1000 pounds or best offer.
    Reason for sale:- No longer required.
    Got married last weekend.
    Wife knows F**king everything

 

  • During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer:
    “Look, I’ll give you $100 if you’ll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I’m supposed to promise to ‘love, honor and obey’ and ‘be faithful to her forever,’ I’d appreciate it if you’d just leave that out.”
    He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.
    On the day of the wedding, when it came time for the groom’s vows, the pastor looked the young man in the eye and said: “Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?”
    The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, “Yes,” then leaned toward the pastor and hissed: “I thought we had a deal.”
    The pastor put a $100 bill into the groom’s hand and whispered: “She made me a better offer.”

 

  • On their 40th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration.
    “Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?”
    Tom responds, “Well, I’ve learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, meekness, self-restraint, forgiveness –and a great many other qualities you wouldn’t have needed if you’d stayed single.”
    A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table.
    Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared. After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, “Pardon me, ma’am, but I think your husband just slid under the table.”
    The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, “Ohh no, My husband just walked in the door.”
    On their 40th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration.
    “Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?”
    Tom responds, “Well, I’ve learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, meekness, self-restraint, forgiveness –and a great many other qualities you wouldn’t have needed if you’d stayed single.”

 

  • Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
    “I’ll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don’t expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won’t be home for dinner. I’ll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don’t you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?”
    His new bride said, “No, that’s fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o’clock every night.. whether you’re here or not.”

 

  • A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife so he went to a psychiatrist.
    The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home.
    He had finished the book by the time he reached his house.
    The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife.
    Pointing a finger in her face, he said, “From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I’m finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you’re going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I’m finished with my bath, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?”
    “The funeral director,” said his wife.

 

  • A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years.
    One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant.
    Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy,
    he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
    She agreed, but wondered how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to mail him a post card, and write “Spaghetti” on the back. He would then arrange for child support.
    One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
    “Honey,” she said, “you received a very strange post card today.”
    “Oh, just give it to me and I’ll explain it later,” he said.
    The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
    On the card was written “Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without.”

 

  • Observing The Baby One night a wife found her husband standing over their baby’s crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, scepticism.
    Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her husband. “A penny for your thoughts,” she said.
    “It’s amazing!” he replied. “I just can’t see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $46.50.”

 

  • A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The busdriver said: “That’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen.” In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.
    “The bus driver insulted me,” she fumed.
    The man sympathized and said “Why, he’s a public servant and shouldn’t say things to insult passengers.”
    “You’re right,” she said. “I think I’ll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind.”
    “That’s a good idea,” the man said. “Here, let me hold your monkey.”

 

  • A father was very anxious to marry off his daughter so he wanted tried impress her first date. “Do you like to screw?” he asks.
    “Huh?!” replied the surprised young man.
    “My daughter, she loves to screw and she’s very good at it. You and she should go screw.” carefully explained the father.
    Now very interested, the boy replied, “Yes, sir!” Minutes later the girl came down the stairs, kissed her father goodbye and the couple left.
    After only a few minutes she reappeared, furious, dress torn, hair a mess and screamed, “Dammit, Daddy, get it right, it’s the TWIST!”
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