Political Jokes

political

Who Would Have Been President?

Bill and Hillary were going down a back road and stopped at a gas station.
As the worker was filling up their car, he said to Hillary “I went to high school with you”. She recognized him and agreed with him.
Later as they were driving down the road Bill said “If you had married him you wouldn’t be married to the President”.
Hillary said “Oh yes I would–he would be President.”

Hillary Goes To Heaven

Hillary Clinton died and, Lord knows why, went to heaven. St. Peter approached her and says “Hillary, I know you’re ‘somebody’ down on Earth, but up here, you’re just another person. And, I’m swamped right now, so have a seat and I’ll get back with you as soon as I can.”
So Hillary sits down and begins looking at her surroundings. She notices a huge wall that extends as far as the eye can see. And on that wall there are millions and millions of clocks. She can’t help notice that on occasion some of the clocks jump ahead fifteen minutes.
When St. Peter returns she asks “What’s the deal with the clocks?”
St. Peter replies “There is a clock on the wall for every married man on Earth.”
Hillary asks, “Well what does it mean when the clock jumps ahead 15 minutes?”
St. Peter replies, “That means that the man that belongs to that clock has just committed adultery.”
Hillary asks, “Well, is my husband’s clock on the wall?”
St. Peter replies, “Of course not. God has it in his office and is using it for an electric fan.”

Find Out Who Is In Control

At a recent interview, it seems that Bill Clinton broke out in rage after being asked a line of questions about him being controlled.
Interviewer: “Who pulls your strings, Bill? What special interests control you?”
Clinton (visibly upset): “You leave Hillary out of this!”

Clinton’s Most Unpopular Action

President Clinton, speaking in private with his advisor on public favor, told him that the planned invasion of Haiti will be the most unpopular thing that he has ever done as the President of the United States.
“Actually, sir, according to our research, the most unpopular thing you’ve ever done was to be inaugurated as President. It’s just been downhill from there.”

Clinton Country

A man walked into a cowboy bar and ordered a beer just as President Clinton appeared on the television.
After a few sips, he looked up at the television and mumbled, “Now, there’s the biggest horse’s ass I’ve ever seen.”
A customer at the end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and decked him.
A few minutes later, as the man was finishing his beer, Hillary Clinton appeared on the television.
“She’s a horse’s ass too,” the man.
This time, a customer at the other end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and knocked him off his stool.
“Damnit!” the man said, climbing back up to the bar.
“This must be Clinton country!”
“Nope,” the bartender replied. “Horse country!”

Oh! To Be In Albania

Oh, to be in Albania, now that spring is here. George Bush was having this wonderful dream. He was in this wonderland, where his approval rating was a solid 100 percent; where there were no nasty Senators calling for his impeachment; where back-stabbing members of his own party were not telling the nation he had mismanaged the war (et tu, McCain?); and where people did not snigger whenever he made a speech, waiting to pounce on the inevitable gaffe (didn’t they realize he put those on it on purpose, to provide a little leity…levity? Well, laughs).
Why just this morning, he was out and about amongst a huge crowd cheering and shouting his name and laying rose petals at his feet. Folks were climbing over one another, desperate to shake his hand. This was what he became President for.
George Bush opened his eyes and realized it wasn’t a dream, after all. This was for real. The hosannas were still ringing in his ears. OK, so it was some penny-ante little country in Eastern Europe, but these folks worshipped him. Heck, they would make him Emperor if he lifted his finger. He hadn’t seen that look in anyone’s eyes since he had stood on the deck of that aircraft carrier and declared ‘Mission Accomplished’. This was a good place to be in.
George Bush thought he could really get used to this. Why, just last week during the debate, he had heard that uppity, former-First-Lady-wanting-to-be-First-Man talking about suitable roles for ex-Presidents. If she won, as seemed likely, maybe he could persuade her to appoint him Ambassador to Albania – for life.

Piss On It

An American tourist in Moscow found himself needing to take a leak very badly. After a long search he just couldn’t find anyplace to relieve himself. So he just went down one of the side streets to take care of business.
Before he could even get unzipped a Moscow police officer said, “Hey you, what are you doing?”
“I gotta go, man,” replied the tourist.
“You can’t go here. Look, follow me,” the policeman offered.
The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of grass, pretty flowers, and manicured hedges. “Here,” said the cop, “whiz away.”
The American shrugs, turns, unzips, and starts right on the flowers. “Ahhh. Whew. Thanks. This is very nice of you. Is this Russian courtesy?” asked the tourist.
“No. This is the American Embassy.”

Jayalalitha Tax Dues Plight

A man is on his way home from work one afternoon in Chennai. He’s stopped in traffic and thinks, “Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual we’re not even moving.”
He notices a police officer walking down the highway in between the cars and he rolls down his window and says,”Excuse me officer, what’s the hold up?”
“Jayalalitha just found out the verdict, and she’s all depressed. She’s lying down in the middle of the highway and she’s threatening to douse herself in gasoline and light herself on fire. She just doesn’t have Rs.85 Crores for the tax dues. I’m walking around taking up a collection for her”.

Russian Jet In India

When the Indians were being delivered their new fleet of fighter jets, an instructor espically came from Russia to explain the Indidan Air Force & Army the simplictiy of the operation of the planes (from Russia because India buys their planes from Russia) .
So when the first plane was delivered, the instructor told the Indian Army ” this has 3 buttons, the one on the top is to take off, the one on the left_inner is to go left_inner and the one on the right is to go right.”
The soldiers nodded in understanding. But one soldier raised his hand and asked ” But sir, how will we get down?”
The instuctor replied “Oh ! Leave that to the Pakistanis”.

Mayawati Goes To Lallu’s House

Mayawati came to Lallu’s house with a goat.
Lallu : Bhaiswa ko kyun laayi ho?
Maya : Dikhta nahi goatwa hai?
Lallu : Hum goatwa se hi to poochh raha hoon.

Bush, Manmohan, Sonia And Aishwarya In Train

The train goes through a tunnel and it gets completely dark.
Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a slap! The train comes out of the tunnel. The women and Manmohan are sitting there looking perplexed.
Bush is bent over holding his face, which is red from an apparent slap. All of them remain diplomatic and nobody says anything.
Sonia is thinking: These Americans are all crazy after Aishwarya. Bush must have tried to kiss her in the tunnel. Very proper that she slapped him.
Aishwarya is thinking: Bush must have tried to kiss me but kissed Sonia instead and got slapped.
Bush is thinking: Damn it. Manmohan must have tried to kiss Aishwarya. She might have thought it was me and slapped me.
Manmohan is thinking: If this train goes through another tunnel I will make another kissing sound and slap Bush again.

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