Music Jokes

  • Question:t’s the difference between a soprano and a terrorist?
    Answer You can negotiate with a terrorist.
    Question What’s the difference between a soprano and a pit bull?
    Answer The jewelry.Question: How can you tell when your lead singer is at your door?
    Answer: He can’t find the key, and he doesn’t know when to come in.


  • A viola player dies and goes to heaven. At the pearly gates he is handed a beautiful new viola and invited to play in the Orchestra of Heaven, a rehearsal of which is about to begin. He enters the hall and beholds the largest orchestra he has ever seen — 496 violins, 432 violas, 269 cellos, 147 double basses, 18 flutes, 15 clarinets, 12 oboes, 11 bassoons, 8 horns, 6 trumpets, 3 trombones,… and a tuba. He takes his place as the 433rd violist, and then the conductor comes out–and it’s God himself. He picks up the baton and begins conducting, and the most wonderful sounds the violist has ever heard come pouring out of the orchestra. Suddenly, God looks right at the new violist, who begins to cower. God leans forward menacingly, points his baton right at the by now terrified violist, and shouts… “Trombones, too loud!”


  • One afternoon, Sir Adrian Boult was conducting a program of contemporary music, one of the items being a work by the composer X. The rehearsal had been going on for some time when Mr. X himself arrived, sat in the hall, and listened to the music for a while, showing increasing signs of restlessness and irritation. In the end he stood up. “Sir Adrian,” he called out, “Sir Adrian, could you PLEASE take it a little quicker?” Sir Adrian Boult peered out into the hall. “Ah, Mr. X,” he said, “Yes, certainly, we can take it quicker if you wish. But you do realize that we haven’t come to your piece yet, don’t you?”


  • Researchers wanted to determine if dogs took on the characteristics of their masters. So they set up an experiment in their lab with three dog owners and their dogs. The first owner was a mathematician, the second a chemist, the third a musician! The first dog, owned by the mathematician, was quite impressive, and when thrown a bunch of milk bones onto the floor, used her paws to begin arranging them into elaborate mathematical equations! “Pretty good!” said the researchers, “but not conclusive!” The second dog, owned by the chemist, when thrown a bunch of milk bones on the floor, began to arrange them to display complex chemical formulas! “Not bad!” said the researchers, “but still not conclusive enough!” However, the results of the third dog WERE very convincing in proving that dogs DO take on characteristics of their owners… for the musician’s dog… came late, ate all the bones, made it with the other two dogs, then left early!


  • A jazz player dies and goes to heaven… (no that’s not the joke)… Once he gets there, St. Peter points to where the heavenly jazz band is forming. The guy goes there and sees all of the greats that ever lived… Charlie Parker, John Coltrane, Miles Davis, everybody! Duke Ellington was conducting the band. “Duke, this is some kind of band! I mean, you’ve got everybody here! This is great!” “Yeah,” Duke replies, “it’s okay.” The jazz player is shocked. “OK? This is the greatest band ever!” Duke replied, “Yeah, the band’s great. But see, God has this girlfriend, and she sings.


  • A violist is sitting in the front row, crying hysterically. The conductor asks the violist. “what’s wrong?” The violist answers, “The second oboe loosened one of my tuning pegs.” The conductor replied, ” I admit, that seems a little childish, but nothing to get so upset about. Why are you crying?” To which the violist replied, “He won’t tell me which one!!”


  • A player in an orchestra forgot the time of their next performance, so he rang the conductors office and asked to speak to the conductor. He was told that he had passed away earlier.
    He hung up, considered this for a few minutes, then rang again. He got the same reply. After the fifteenth time, he got the reply, “Look, he’s dead! Why the hell do you keep ringing us?.”
    Replied the musician, “I just like to hear you say it.”


  • A violin player came home one day to find his house burnt to the ground, and policemen, firemen etc, standing around. He went up to one and asked, “What happened to my house?”
    The policeman replied, “Well, the conductor came to your house at -”
    The violinist interrupted in amazement, “The conductor? Came to my house?”


  • A drummer walks into a library and says: “Hi I’ll have a burger, fries, and a large coke.” The librarian responds: Sshhhh….do you know where you are? This is a library!” The drummer, sheepishly, and in a whisper says: “Sorry….I’ll have a burger, fries and a large coke.


  • Two girls are walking along when they hear… “Psst! Down here!” They both look down and see a frog sitting beside the road. The frog says to them, “Hey, if you kiss me I’ll turn into a world famous drummer and make you both rich and famous!” The two girls looked at each other, and one of them reached down and grabbed the frog and stuffed it in her pocket. The other girl said, “What did you do that for?” The first replied, “I’m not stupid. I know a talking frog is worth heaps more than a famous drummer any day!”


  • One day, a tuba player wanted to torture the drummer behind him, so he hid one of the drummer’s sticks. After looking around for a few minutes, with a frantic, wide-eyed expression, the drummer fell to his knees, flung his arms wide, and screamed to heaven: “Finally! The miracle, after all these years! I’m a Conductor!”


  • This old man was playing the fiddle at a barn dance. He was sitting on an old pickle barrel and his pants zipper was unzipped. While playing the family jewels fell out and were hanging down in the barrel. An old lady observed all of this and felt obligated to tell him what had taken place. She went up to him and said, “Do you know your zipper’s unzipped and all of the family jewels are hanging in the pickle barrel”? The old man said, A guy walks into the doctor’s office and says, “Doc, I haven’t had a bowel movement in a week!” The doctor gives him a prescription for a mild laxative and tells him, “If it doesn’t work, let me know.” A week later the guy is back: “Doc, still no movement!” The doctor says, “Hmm, guess you need something stronger,” and prescribes a powerful laxative. Still another week later the poor guy is back: “Doc, STILL nothing!” The doctor, worried, says, “We’d better get some more information about you to try to figure out what’s going on. What do you do for a living?” “I’m a musician.” The doctor looks up and says, “Well, that’s it! Here’s $10.00. Go get something to eat!””No lady, but if you can hum it I’ll play it”.


  • Two bass players were engaged for a run of Carmen. After a couple of weeks, they agreed each to take an afternoon off in turn to go and watch the matinee performance from the front of house. Joe duly took his break; back in the pit that evening, Moe asked how it was. “Great,” says Joe. “You know that bit where the music goes ‘BOOM Boom Boom Boom’–well there are some guys up top singing a terrific song about a Toreador at the same time.”


  • Once there was a viola player who was second chair in the Winnipeg Symphony. He met a genie, who promised him three wishes. For his first wish he asked to be a better musician, and he became first chair. For his second wish, he asked to be an even better musician, and he became first viola in the Berlin Symphony. For his third wish, he wished to be an even better musician, and he ended up playing second violin in the Winnipeg Symphony.
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