Miscellaneous Jokes

miscellaneous

The Hunter

An 80-year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. “I’ve never been better!” he boasted. “I’ve got an eighteen year old bride who’s pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?”
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, “Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day, he went out in a bit of a hurry, and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun.”
The doctor continued, “So he was in the woods, and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle.”
“And do you know what happened?” the doctor queried.
Dumbfounded, the old man replied, “No.”
The doctor continued, “The bear dropped dead in front of him!”
“That’s impossible!” exclaimed the old man. “Someone else must have shot that bear.”
“That’s kind of what I’m getting at,” replied the doctor.

Playing Doctor

Two married men are in a pub discussing their love life when one says, “Have you ever tried playing doctor?”
His mate says, “No what’s it like?”
The man replies, “It’s amazing me and my wife were playing for the whole of last night must of been about 10 hours.”
His mate, shocked says, “10 hours!? How the hell did you manage that long?”
“I just left her in waiting room for 9 and a half hours.”

Kiwis

A bloke walks into a bar in New Zealand and orders a
shandy.
All the Kiwis sitting around the bar look up, expecting
to see another Australian visitor.
The barman says, “You ain’t from around here, are ya?”
The guy says, “No, I’m from Canada.”
The bartender says, “What do you do in Canada?”
The guy says, “I’m a taxidermist.”
The bartender says, “A taxidermist? What the hick is a
taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?”
” No, a taxidermist doesn’t drive a taxi. I mount
animals.”
The bartender grins and yells,
He’s okay boys. He’s one of us.”

Mugged

A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened.
The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied ???I don’t know, it all happened so fast.???

Go To Work

Hung Chow calls in to work and says, “Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomachache and my legs hurt. I not come work.”
The boss says, “You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I can go to work. You should try that.”
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: “Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house.”

Nursing Home

Two old ladies, Sunny and Tina, were outside their nursing home having a smoke, when it started to rain.
Tina pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
Sunny: “What’s that?”
Tina: “A condom.”
Sunny: “Where’d you get it?”
Tina: “You can get them at any chemist”
The next day, Sunny hobbled into the local chemist and announced to the pharmacist that she wanted to buy a pack of condoms.
The guy looked at her strangely (she was, after all, in her eighties), but politely asked what brand she preferred.
“Doesn’t matter,” she replied, “as long as it fits on a Camel.”
The pharmacist fainted.

Dog’s Life

A poodle and a collie were walking down the street. The poodle turned to the collie and complained, “My life is a mess. My owner is mean, my girlfriend is having an affair with a German shepherd, and I’m nervous as a cat.”
“Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist?” asked the collie.
“I can’t,” replied the poodle. “I’m not allowed on the couch.”

Alcohol Honesty

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she had selected the following items: A half-gallon of 2% milk, A half carton of eggs, A quart of orange juice, A small head of romaine lettuce, A 2-pound can of coffee, And a 1-pound package of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, “You must be single.”
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict’s intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said “Well, you know what, you’re absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?”
The drunk replied, “‘Cause you’re ugly.”

Cheap Bar

A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks
for a beer.
“Certainly, sir, that’ll be 1 cent.”
“One penny?!” exclaimed the guy.
The barman replied, “Yes.”
So, the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, “Could I have a
nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?”
“Certainly sir,” replies the bartender, “but all that comes to
real money.”
“How much money?” inquires the guy.
“Four cents,” he replies.
“Four cents?!” exclaims the guy. “Where’s the guy who owns this
place?”
The barman replies, “Upstairs with my wife.”
The guy says, “What’s he doing with your wife?”
The bartender replies, “Same as what I’m doing to his business.”

Stop That

A very attractive young lady was sitting in a fine restaurant one night.
Waiting for her date as she was, she wanted to make sure everything was perfect. So, as she bends down in her chair to get the mirror from her purse, she accidentally farts quite loudly just as the waiter walks up.
Sitting up straight now, embarrassed and red faced, knowing everyone in the place heard her, turns to the waiter and demands “Stop That!”
The waiter looks at her dryly and says “Sure lady, which way was it headed?”

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