Medical Jokes

  • A patient has a sore throat and goes to a doctor to get treatment for it.
    Doctor: Your tonsils got to come out.
    Patient: I want second opinion.
    Doctor: Okay, you’re ugly, too.

  • A pipe burst in a doctor’s house. He called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill for $600.
    The doctor exclaimed, “This is ridiculous! I don’t even make that much as a doctor!” The plumber waited for him to finish and quietly said, “Neither did I when I was a doctor.”
  • The doctor called Mrs. Conney over and gave her the news. “I’m afraid your husband has a very serious illness. In fact, it might be fatal.
    There are two things you have to do to save his life. First, you’ll have to fix him three home-cooked meals a day for the rest of his life. And second, you’ll have to make love to him every day without fail.”
    “I’ll break the news to him myself,” she said.
    Stepping across the waiting room to her husband Mrs. Conney announced, “Guess what, Conney. You’re gonna die!!”
  • A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions.
    She replies, “Well, I’m a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?”
    The doctor answered, “Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it’s difficult to describe pain.”
    “I know, but can’t you give me some idea?,” she asks.
    “Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little…”
    “Like this?”
    “A little more…”
    “Like this?”
    “No. A little more…”
    “Like this?”
    “Yes. Does that hurt?”
    “A little bit.”
    “Now stretch it over your head!”
  • This guy decides to get a sex change. So he goes to the doctors and has the thing done.
    A couple of weeks later he was talking to one of his old buddies about it. “Gee, it must have really hurt when they shot all that silicon into your chest to make your breasts.”
    “Not really, I hardly felt it.”
    “Well, it must have really hurt when they chopped off your manhood!”
    “Nope, I didn’t really feel it either. The only thing that really hurt was when they drilled a hole in my skull and sucked out half my brain.”
  • An elderly woman went into the doctor’s office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, “I’d like to have some birth control pills.”
    Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, “Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you’re 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?”
    The woman responded, “They help me sleep better.”
    The doctor thought some more and continued, “How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?”
    The woman said, “I put them in my granddaughter’s orange juice and I sleep better at night.”
  • The patient shook his doctor’s hand in gratitude and said, “Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will.”
    “That is very kind of you,” said the doctor emotionally, and then added, “Can I see that prescription I just gave you? I’d like to make a little change.”
  • There are several kinds of doctors, and it is told that they can be differentiated by the following method:
    General Practitioners know nothing and do little.
    Surgeons know little and do everything.
    Internists knows everything and do nothing.
    Pathologists know everything and can do everything, but it’s usually too late.
  • The nurse went in to check her patient in the ICU who was wearing nasal prongs. The nurse tried to talk to him, but all she could get out of him was gasping and unintelligible talk.
    Finally, the nurse thrust a note pad and pencil at the patient and said, “I can’t understand you, sir. Please write it down.”
    The patient weakly scribbled on the pad, “Get your dang foot off my oxygen tube!”
  • A woman goes to her doctor complaining that she is exhausted all the time. After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor gets around to asking her how often she has intercourse. “Every Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday,” she says.
    The doctor advises her to cut out Wednesday. “I can’t,” says the woman. “That’s the only night I’m home with my husband.”
    Doctor : You’re in good health. You’ll live to be 80.
    Patient : But, doctor, I am 80 right now.
    Doctor : See, what did I tell you
    Sam : I get so nervous and frightened during driving tests!
    Doctor : Never mind, you’ll pass eventually.
    Sam : But I’m the examiner!
    Bill : My wife beats me, doctor.
    Doctor : Oh dear. How often?
    Bill : Every time we play Scrabble! Mary: My daughter believes in preventative medicine, doctor.
    Doctor : Oh, really?
    Mary : Yes, she tries to prevent me from making her take it!
    A new arrival, about to enter hospital, saw two white coated doctors searching through the flower beds.
    “Excuse me,” he said, “have you lost something?”
    “No,” replied one of the doctors. “We’re doing a heart transplant for an income-tax inspector and want to find a suitable stone.”
    Patient : Doctor, what I need is something to stir me up; something to put me in a fighting mood. Did you put something like that in this prescription?
    Doctor : No need for that. You will find that in your bill.
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