Male Jokes

male

Drunk Driver

A female officer arrests a drunk. She warns him, “You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be held against you.”

How Long

An old but still ruggedly handsome Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. “Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?”
“Negative, ma’am. Just serious by nature.”
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, “It looks like you have seen a lot of action.”
“Yes, ma’am, a lot of action.”
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, “You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.”
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally, the young lady said, “You know, I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?”
“1955, ma’am.”
“Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously!? I mean, no sex since 1955!?”
Feeling charitable and a little bit drunk, she took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to “relax” him several times. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, “Wow, you sure didn’t forget much since 1955!”
The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, “I hope not, it’s only 2130 now.”

Mother In Law

A husband and wife walked up to view the body of his mother-in-law at the funeral.
As he began to weep, his wife slapped him and said: ???Why are you crying, you never liked my mother anyway!???
The husband replied, ???I know, I thought I saw her move!!???

Savings

The 75-year-old groom, with the young wife, caused a lot of
attention as he checked into the resort hotel.
The following morning, the old boy came strutting into the dining
room, lookin’ great with a big smile on his face. He proceeded to
order an enormous breakfast.
He laughed and joked and was in obvious good spirits, whereas his
young wife, who came into the room a half hour later, looked worn
out. She ordered coffee in a voice so weak the waiter had to ask
her to repeat the order.
The old man finished his breakfast, excused himself and left for
their room. This gave the waitress a chance to ask the bride,
“Honey, I can’t figure it out. The old geezer, your husband, looks
like a million and you look like two cents. What’s wrong?”
“That guy double-crossed me,” the bride said. “He told me he’d
saved up for fifty years! And all the time I thought he was
talking about money!”

Three Friends

There were three friends, a alcoholic, a chain smoker, and a homosexual. They went to the doctor and he said if they indulge in anymore of their activities they would surely die.
One night they were walking down the street and they came to a bar. The alcoholic smelled the liquor and couldnt resist buying a drink. As soon as he took a sip he dropped dead.
The other two saw this and ran out. While they were looking for a phone to call the police the chain smoker spotted a cigarette. The homosexual looked at him and said, “You know if you pick that up we both are going to die right?”

Gas Grill

A couple had been married 15 years. One afternoon they were working in thegarden together.
As the wife was bending over pulling weeds the husband said, “Hey honey, you are getting fat. Your butt is getting huge. I bet it’s as big as the gas grill now.”
The husband feeling he needed to prove his point, got a yardstick, measured the grill and then measured his wife’s butt.
“Yep,” he said, “Just what I thought, just about the same size.”
The wife got very incensed and decided to let him do the gardening alone. She went inside and didn’t speak to her husband the rest of the day.
That evening when they went to bed, the husband cuddled up to his wife and said, “How about it, hon? How about a little lovemaking?”
The wife rolled over and turned her back to him, giving him the cold shoulder. “What’s the matter?” he asked.
To which she replied, “You don’t think I’m going to fire up this big gas grill for one little weenie, do you?”

Hanging By A Rope

There were 11 people hanging onto a rope that came down from a helicopter. Ten were men and one woman. The rope was starting to fray so they all agreed that one person should let go because if they didn’t, the rope would break and everyone would die.
No one could decide who should go so finally the woman gave a really touching speech, saying how she would give up her life to save theirs, because women were used to giving up things for their husbands and children, giving into men, and that after all, men were the superior sex and must be saved. When she finished speaking, all the men clapped.
Never under estimate the evil of a woman.

Leftover Gifts

Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two extra things left in his bag of creations, so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating. “It’s a very handy thing,” God told the couple, who he found under an apple tree. “I was wondering if either one of you wanted that ability.
Adam jumped up and blurted, “Oh, give that to me! I’d love to be able to do that! It seems a sort of thing a man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. It’d be so great! When I’m working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just stand there and let it fly. It’d be so cool. I could write my name in the sand. Oh please God, let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please……” On and on he went like an excited little boy who had to pee. Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted that so badly, that he should have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy, and she really wouldn’t mind if Adam were the one given this ability. And so Adam was given the ability to control the direction of his misdirection while in a vertical position. And so, he was happy and did celebrate by wetting down the bark on the tree nearest him, laughing with delight all the while. And it was good.
Fine,” God said, looking back into his bag of leftover gifts. What’s left here? Oh yes, multiple orgasms…..”

Smoking

A young couple had been married for a couple of weeks, and the man was always after his wife to quit smoking.
One afternoon, she lit up after some lovemaking, and he said, “You really ought to quit.”
She, getting tired of his nagging, said, “I really enjoy a good cigarette after sex.”
He replied, “But they stunt your growth.”
She asked if he ever smoked, and he replied that he never had.
Smiling and lifting her gaze to his groin, she said, “So, what’s your excuse?”

Men Suck

Men will brag that there are women waiting by the phone at this very moment for their call. Who are these women?
– Women working at 900 numbers.

Where is the best place in a book store to find a man who is handsome, a good lover and a stimulating partner?
– In the pages of a romance novel.

What do you do with a man who thinks he’s God’s gift?
– Exchange him.

Why is the book “Women Who Love Too Much” a disappointment for many men?
– No phone numbers.

Why do men like smart women?
– Opposites attract.

Divorce Court

“Mr. Quinn, I have reviewed this case very carefully,” the divorce court judge said, “and I’ve decided to give your wife $775 a week.”
“That’s very fair, your honor,” the husband said.
“And every now and then I’ll try to send her a few bucks myself.”

Impatient Farmer

A farmer and his brand new bride were riding home from the chapel in a wagon pulled by a team of horses, when the older horse stumbled.
The farmer said, “That’s once.”
A little further along, the poor old horse stumbled again. The farmer said, “That’s twice.”
After a little while the poor old horse stumbled again. The farmer didn’t say anything, but reached under the seat, pulled out a shotgun and shot the horse.
His brand new bride scolded him, “That was an awful thing to do!”
The farmer said, “That’s once.”

Three Wishes For Men

There were three men walking down a beach when they found a lamp laying in the sand. They rubbed the lamp and out came a genie who said “I’ll give each of you a wish.”
So the first guy says I want to be 10 times smarter, and then he started quoting Shakespeare.
Not to be outdone the second guy said I want to be 100 times smarter and then he started doing calculus in his head.
Well the third guy did not want to be outdone so he said I want to be a 1000 times smarter, and he turned into a woman.

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