College Jokes

college
  • Toward the end of our senior year in high school, we were required to take a CPR course. The classes used the well
    known mannequin-victim, Resusci Anne, to practice. My group’s model was legless to allow for storage in a
    carrying case.
    The class went off in groups to practice. As instructed, one of my classmates gently shook the doll and asked
    “Are you all right?” He then put his ear over the mannequin’s mouth to listen for breathing. Suddenly he turned to the instructor and exclaimed, “She said she can’t feel her legs!”

  • A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow’s final exam.
    He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member’s death.
    One smart ass, male student said, “What about extreme sexual exhaustion?”, and the whole classroom burst into laughter.
    After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, “Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write.”

  • There was a university in New England where the students operated a “bank” of term papers and other homework assignments. There were papers to suit all needs. Since it would look odd if an undistinguished student suddenly handed in a brilliant essay, there were papers for an A grade, B grade, and C grade.
    One student, who had spent the weekend on more “extra-curricular pursuits,” went to the bank, and as his course was a standard one he took out a paper for a inconspicuous C. He then retyped it and handed the work in.
    In due course he received it back with the professor’s comments.
    “I wrote this paper myself twenty years ago. I always thought it was worth an A, and now I’m pleased to give it one!”

  • For a final philosophy examination, the question was, “What is courage?” 3 minutes into a 3 hour exam, one student wrote,
    “This is” and walked out.
    The professor responded by writing on the exam, “No, that was stupid.”

  • It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came over the intercom: “Will the students who are parked on University Drive please move their cars so that we may begin plowing.”
    Twenty minutes later there was another announcement: “Will the twelve hundred students who went to move 26 cars return to class.”

  • A teacher asked one of the boys in her class, “Can people predict the future with cards?”
    His response was, “My mother can.”
    The teacher replied, “Really?”
    The young boy was quick to explain, “Yes, she takes one look at my report card and tells me what will happen when my father gets home.”

  • Even though I was an engineering student at the University of Maryland, chemistry was a required course in my day. The Professor, on the first day of class, asked everyone to name the most outstanding contribution chemistry had made to society.
    When my turn came, I answered, “Blondes!”

  • The farmer and his wife had worked hard, they scrimped and saved to send their son to college. As soon as he had enrolled, he started to grow a beard. Next he grew a large mustache and sideburns. Being pleased with his new hirsute adornment, he had his picture taken and sent it off to his parents.
    On the back of the photo he scrawled, “How do you like it? Don’t I look like a count?”
    Shortly after, the son received this terse note: “You idiot, it cost us a fortune to send you to college, and you can’t even spell!”

  • In an American history discussion group, the professor was trying to explain how societies ideal of beauty changes with
    time. “For example, he said, “take the 1921 Miss America.
    She stood five feet, one inch tall, weighed 108 pounds and had measurements of 30-25-32. How do you think she’d do in
    today’s version of the contest?”
    The class fell silent for a moment. Then one student piped up, “Not very well.”
    “Why is that?” Asked the professor.
    “For one thing,” the student pointed out, “She’d be about
    a hundred years old.”

  • While proudly showing off his new fraternity house to friends, a college student led the way into the den. “What is the big brass gong and hammer for?” one of his friends asked.
    “That’s the talking clock”, the man replied, with a grin. “Let me show you how it works!” And with that, he gave the gong an ear-shattering pound with the hammer.
    Suddenly someone screamed from the other side of the wall, “KNOCK IT OFF, YOU JERKS! IT’S 2 AM!”

  • Three college friends, one each from the Universities of Oxford, Cambridge and Loughborough, decided to pool their funds and go to the Olympics in Barcelona. The airfare and hotel rates ate up most of their money so they didn’t have enough to get into the stadium to see the events.
    So they stood around the gate, watching all the other people get in and then noticed that some people didn’t have to pay. Whenever an athlete passed the guard with his (or her) equipment, the guard would simply nod and let them through. So the three visitors quickly trotted off to a nearby hardware shop and came back to try to get in.
    The Oxford student walked up to the guard and gestured at the long pole he carried. “Pole vaulting,” he said, and the guard waved him through.
    The Cambridge student, having rigged up a ball to a length of chain, approached the guard next and showed of his wares. “Hammer throwing,” he said, and the guard shrugged and waved him through.
    The catering student from Southborough came last, with a roll of chain link on his shoulder. “Fencing.”

  • Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. “Wake up, It’s time to go to school!”
    “But why, Mom? I don’t want to go.”
    “Give me two reasons why you don’t want to go.”
    “Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!”
    “Oh, that’s no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready.”
    “Give me two reasons why I should go to school.”
    “Well, for one, you’re 52 years old. And for another, you’re the Principal!”

  • It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came over the intercom: “Will the students who are parked on University Drive please move their cars so that we may being plowing.” Twenty minutes later there was another announcement: “Will the nine hundred students who went to move fourteen cars return to class.”
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