Children Jokes

kids

Kids Operation

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room.
The first kid leans over and asks, “What are you in here for?”
The second kid says, “I’m in here to get my tonsils out and I’m a little nervous.”
The first kid says, “You’ve got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It’s a breeze!”
The second kid then asks, “What are you here for?”
The first kid says, “A circumcision.”
And the second kid says, “Whoa! I had that done when I was born. I couldn’t walk for a year!”

Boyfriend

A 5-year old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. While playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting furniture, he looked up and said, “Grandma, how come you don’t have a boyfriend?”
Grandma replied, “Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can set in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good.
The comedies make me laugh. I’m so happy with my TV as my boyfriend.” Grandma turned on the TV and the picture was horrible. She started adjusting the knobs trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting on the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem. The little boy heard the doorbell ring so he hurried to open the door.
When he opened the door, there stood Grandma’s minister. The minister said, “Hello son is your grandma home?”
The little boy replied, “Yeah, she’s in the bedroom bangin’ her boyfriend.”

Career Path

An older couple had a son, who was still living with them. The parents were a little worried, as the son was still unable to decide about his career path, so they decided to do a small test.
They took a ten-dollar bill, a Bible, and a bottle of whiskey, and put them on the front hall table. Then they hid, hoping he would think they weren’t at home.
The father told the mother, “If he takes the money, he will be a businessman; if he takes the Bible, he will be a priest; but if he takes the bottle of whiskey, I’m afraid our son will be a drunkard.”
So the parents took their place in the nearby closet and waited nervously, peeping through the keyhole they saw their son arrive home.
He saw the note they had left, saying they’d be home later. Then, he took the 10-dollar bill, looked at it against the light, and slid it in his pocket. After that, he took the Bible, flicked through it, and took it also. Finally, he grabbed the bottle, opened it, and took an appreciative whiff to be assured of the quality, then he left for his room carrying all the three items.
The father slapped his forehead, and said, “Damn! It’s even worse than I ever imagined…”
“What do you mean?” his wife inquired.
“He’s gonna be a politician.” the father replied.

Scared Dad

Two kids are arguing over whose father is the biggest scaredy-cat.
The first kid says, “My dad is so scared that when lightning strikes,
he hides underneath the bed.”
The second kid replies,”Yeah? Well, that’s nothing. My dad is so
scared that when my mom has to work the nightshift, he sleeps with
the lady next door.”

Nothing To Live For

A father asks his 10-year-old son if he knows about the birds and the bees.
???I don???t want to know!??? the child says, bursting into tears. ???Promise me you won???t tell me!???
Confused, the father asks what???s wrong.
???Oh, dad,??? the boy sobs. ???When I was six, I got the ???There???s no Santa??? speech. At seven, I got the ???There???s no Easter Bunny??? speech. When I was eight, you hit me with the ???There???s no tooth fairy??? speech. If you???re going to tell me that adults don???t really fuck, I???ll have nothing left to live for.???

Where is God?

A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved.
They boys’ mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually. So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.
The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, “Where is God?”.
They boy’s mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed. So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, “Where is God!!?” Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy’s face and bellowed, “WHERE IS GOD!?”
The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, “What happened?”
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, “We are in BIG trouble this time, dude. God is missing – and they think WE did it!”

Do You Pray Before Eating?

The Sunday School Teacher asks, “Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?”
“No sir,” Little Johnny replies, “I don’t have to, my mom is a good cook!”

Pizza Coupon

Dispatching her ten-year-old son to pick up a pizza, my sister handed him money and a two-dollar coupon. Later he came home with the pizza, and the coupon. When asked to explain, he replied, “Mom, I had enough
money. I didn’t need the coupon.”

Up The Crack

Little Johnny comes home from catholic school with a black eye.
His father sees it and says, “Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight with the other boys?”
“But Dad, it wasn’t my fault. We were all in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of me had her dress in the crack of her butt. I reached over and pulled it out. That’s when she hit me!”
“Johnny,” the father said. “You don’t do those kind of things to women.”
Sure enough, the very next day Johnny came home with the other eye black and blue.
Johnny’s father said, “Johnny, I thought we had a talk!”
“But Dad,” Johnny said, “It wasn’t my fault. There we were in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of us had her dress in the crack of her butt. Then Louie who was sitting next to me saw it and he reached over and pulled it out. Now I know she doesn’t like this, so I pushed it back in!”

Saving It

A priest was taking a shortcut through an alley one day and came upon a young boy who was masturbating.
“My son, you shouldn’t be doing that,” said the priest. “You should be saving that for when you get married.”
The embarrassed boy hung his head down low and simply said, “Yes, Father.”
About 10 years later, the priest was in his study when a young man in his early twenties came in.
“Yes, my son?” said the priest.
“Father, you may not remember me, but about 10 years ago you caught me masturbating in an alley, and I’ll never forget the advice you gave then.”
“And what was that, my son?”
“Well, you told me that what I was doing was wrong and I should be saving it for when I get married,” said the young man.
“That sounds like something I probably would have said,” said the priest. “Did you take my advice?”
“Yes I did, Father, but there’s only one problem.”
“What’s that, my son?”
“Well, I have a 55-gallon drum of the stuff in the back of my pickup truck. Now that I am getting married, what am I supposed to do with it?”

Need A Man

A few months after his parents were divorced, Little Johnny passed by his mom’s bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, “I need a man, I need a man!”
Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times.
One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her.
Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, “Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!”

Mafia Kid

A mafia’s son sits at his desk writing a Christmas list to Jesus. He first writes, “Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy the whole year, so I want a new…” He looks at it, then crumples it up into a ball and throws it away.
He gets out a new piece of paper and writes again, “Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy for most of the year, so I want a new…” He again looks at it with disgust and throws it away.
He then gets an idea. He goes into his mother’s room, takes a statue of the Virgin Mary, puts it in the closet, and locks the door. He takes another piece of paper and writes, “Dear baby Jesus. If you ever want to see your mother again…”

Happy Butt

It was this little girl’s first day of school and the teacher asked her what her name was and she replied, “Happy Butt.” The teacher said, “Honey I don’t think that’s your name you need to go to the principal’s office and get this straightened out.” So she went to the principal’s office and he asked, “What’s your name?” And the little girl said, Happy Butt.” The principal called the girl’s mother to get this straightened out once and for all. After getting off the phone he looked at the little girl and said, “Honey, your name’s is Gladys, not Happy Butt.” The girl then exclaimed, “Glad Ass, Happy Butt” what’s the difference?”

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