Business Jokes

business
  • Every morning a man drives to the dock, and Every morning a man takes the ferry to work. One morning he woke up, and had no electricity. He had no idea what time it was, and he thought that he was late for work.
    So he quickly got dressed, ate breakfast, and rushed out the door. He got to the dock and saw the boat ten feet away. So he got a running head start, and jumped as far as he could, and landed on the boat. And the captain of the boat said to him, “You know, if you had waited five minutes, we would have been in.”

  • This guy is selling three parrots. Another guy who wants to buy a parrot approaches him and asks, “How much are your parrots?”
    The salesman answers, “The first one is $1,000.”
    “What does he know?”
    “He knows 10,000 words and 500 sentences and is able to solve mathematical expressions.”
    “How about the second one?”
    “The second parrot costs $5,000.”
    “What does he know?”
    “He knows 100,000 words and 10,000 sentences, is able to solve mathematical expressions, and create computer programs.”
    “Then what is the price for the third one?, the buyer is wondering.”
    “This one costs $20,000.”
    “Really?!, wonders the exciting buyer. What does he know?”
    “This one knows absolutely nothing, but the two others always call him ‘THEIR BOSS.'”

 

  • The biggest beer producers in the world meet for a conference, and at the end of the day, the presidents of all the beer companies decide to have a drink together at a bar.
    The president of Budweiser naturally orders a Bud, the president of Miller orders a Miller, Adolph Coors orders a Coors, and so on down the list.
    Then the bartender asks Arthur Guinness what he wants to drink, and to everybody’s amazement, he orders tea!
    “Why don’t you order a Guinness?” his colleagues ask suspiciously, wondering if they’ve stumbled on an embarrassing secret.
    “Naaaah,” replies Guinness. “If you guys aren’t going to drink beer, then neither will I.”

 

  • I’m tired. For a couple of years I’ve been blaming it on iron poor blood, lack of vitamins, dieting and a dozen other maladies. But now I found out it ain’t that. I’m tired because I’m overworked.
    The population of USA is 237 million. 104 million are retired.
    That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school, which leave 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government. This leaves 19 million to do the work.
    Four million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 15 million to do the work.
    Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work.
    There are 188,000 in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do the work. Now, there are 11,998 people in Prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me.
    Boy Oh Boy.. And you’re sitting there reading this. No wonder I’m tired, I’m the only one working.

 

  • A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.
    After a week of this, she can’t stand it any longer!
    The woman goes into her supervisor’s office, tells him what the coworker does, and that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against the man.
    The supervisor is puzzled by this and asks, “What’s sexually threatening about a coworker telling you your hair smells nice?
    The woman replies, “He’s a midget.”

 

  • A man owned a small farm in South Georgia. The Wage and Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent to interview him. “You just give me a list of your employees and tell me how much you pay them.”
    “All right,” said the farmer. “I have a hired man. Been with me for three years. I pay him $600 a week, plus room and board. I have a cook. She’s been here six months. She gets $500 a week plus room and board.”
    “Anybody else?” asked the agent as he scribbled on a note pad. “Yeah,” the farmer said. “There’s a half-wit here. Works about eighteen hours a day. I pay him ten dollars a week and give him chewing tobacco.”
    “Aha!” the agent roared. “I want to talk to that half-wit!”
    So, there’s this guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink… staring into the glass… deep in thought
    He stays like that for half-an-hour.
    Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, grabs the drink, and drinks it all down.
    The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand to see a man crying.”
    “No, it’s not that. Today day is the worst of my life. First, I overslept and was late to an important meeting. My boss, outrageous, fired me on the spot. When I left the building and headed to my car, I found out it was stolen. The cops said they could do nothing.
    So, I got a cab to return home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my whole wallet in the cab. I got home only to find my wife was in bed with the gardener. I left home and came to this bar. And then I was finally going to end it all, you show up and grab my glass and drink my poison…”
    “You’re talking to him now,” said the farmer.

 

  • Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls Royce to a downtown NY City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000. The loan officer was quite taken a back, and requested collateral. “Well, then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce”, the man said. The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank’s underground parking for safekeeping, and gave him $5,000.
    Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank’s doors, and asked to settle up his loan and get his car back. The loan officer checked the records and told him, “That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest.” The man wrote out a check, thanked the loan officer, and started to walk away.
    “Wait sir,” the loan officer said, “while you were gone, I found out you are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow?
    The man smiled. “Where else could I securely park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?”

 

  • Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house a woman looking out her kitchen window watched as they checked her meter.
    Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger co-worker to a footrace down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one. As they came tearing up to the truck, they realized the lady of that end house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped immediately and asked her what was wrong.
    “When I saw two gasmen running as hard as you were,” gasped the woman, “I figured I’d better run too!”

 

  • A man went to apply for a job. After filling out all of his applications he waited anxiously for the outcome. The employer read all his applications & said, “We have an opening for people like you.”
    “Oh, great,” the man said, “What is it?”
    “It’s called the door!”.

 

  • A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix.
    The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs on his chest. Worried that it might be a second incision the doctors hadn’t told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown down enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.
    Taped firmly across his hairy chest were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn’t come off easily.
    Written in large black letters on the tape was the sentence, “Get well quick… from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week.”

 

  • Three guys go in for a job interview, all at the same office.
    The first one goes in for his interview and the interviewer says, “What’s the first thing you see when you look at me?” The guy says, “That’s not too hard, you’ve got no ears.” The interviewer says, “That’s it, get out, you’ll never be seen aroun here again.”
    The second man takes his turn and is asked the same question. The applicant replies, “Uh, you’ve got no ears.” The interviewer throws the guy out, cursing and yelling that he’ll never get a job with his company. As the second guy is leaving, the second guy warns the third guy, “Listen man, whatever you do, don’t say he hasn’t got any ears. He’s so touchy with the ear thing.” “Okay,” said man #3 on his way into the office.
    Once inside he is told, “Name the first thing you notice when you look at me.” The guy answers, “That’s easy, you wear contacts.” The interviewer was flabbergasted, “How on earth did you know that, son?” The applicant answered, “What? Are you stupid? You can’t wear glasses, you’ve got no ears!”

 

  • Interviews We’ve all been interviewed for jobs. And, we’ve all spent most of those interviews thinking about what not to do. Don’t bite your nails. Don’t fidget. Don’t interrupt. Don’t belch. If we did any of the don’ts, we knew we’d disqualify ourselves instantly. But some job applicants go light years beyond this. In a survey top personnel executives of 100 major American corporations and asked for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants.

 

  • The boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn’t getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read:
    “I’m the Boss!”
    He then taped it to his office door.
    Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said:
    “Your wife called, she wants her sign back!”
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