Animal Jokes

animal
  • A lady approaches her priest and tells him “Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.”
    “What do they say?” the priest inquired.
    “They only know how to say, ‘Hi, we’re prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'”“That’s terrible!” the priest exclaimed, “but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn the joys of praise and worship.”
    “Thank you!” the woman responded.
    The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest’s house. His two male parrots are holding the rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say “Hi we’re prostitutes, want to have some fun?”
    One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, “Put the beads away, brother. Our prayers have been answered !
  • A lonely frog, desparate for any form of company telephoned the Psychic Hotline to find out what his future has in store.
    His Personal Psychic Advisor advises him, “You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you.”
    The frog is thrilled and says, “This is great! Where will I meet her, at work, at a party?”
    “No” says the psychic, “in a Biology class.”
  • On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee whereupon the parrot squawks, “And get me a coke, you cow!”
    The stewardess, flustered, brings back a coke for the parrot and forgets the coffee.
    When this omission is pointed out to her, the parrot drains its glass and bawls “And get me another coke dogface!”
    Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another coke but still no coffee.
    Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot’s approach. “I’ve asked you twice for a coffee! Go and get it now you old goat!”
    The next moment both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards.
    Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says, “For someone who can’t fly, you’ve got some guts!”
  • A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins. He pulls the guy over and says: “You can’t drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately.”
    The guy says OK, and drives away.
    The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of penguins, and they’re all wearing sun glasses. He pulls the guy over and demands: “I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?”
    The guy replies: “I did . . . today I’m taking them to the beach!”
  • A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmation dog.
    The children started discussing what the dog’s duties might be.
    “They use him to keep crowds back,” said one youngster.
    “No,” said another, “he’s just for good luck.”
    A third child concluded. “No silly, they use the dogs to find the fire hydrant!”
  • The Louisiana State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen, and golfers to take extra precautions and keep alert for alligators while in St. Tammany, Jefferson & Orleans Parish.
    They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as “little bells” on their clothing to alert, but not startle the alligators, unexpectedly.
    They also advise the carrying of “pepper spray” in case of an encounter with an alligator. It’s also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of alligator activity and be able to recognize the difference between young alligator and adult alligator droppings.
    Young alligator droppings are small, contain fish bones and possibly bird feathers.
    Adult alligators droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper.
  • A blind rabbit and a blind snake meet each other. Neither one remembers what kind of animal they are, so they decide to feel each other.
    The rabbit says, “You feel me first.” The snake says okay, and he starts feeling the rabbit.
    He says, “Well, you have fur all over, and a little cotton tail, and two long ears, and big back feet…”
    The rabbit says, “I know! I’m a rabbit! Yippee!” Then the rabbit feels the snake.
    He says, “Okay, you’re long and thin, and slimy all over, and there’s a little forked tongue…”
    The snake says, “Oh no, I’m a lawyer.”
  • A timid little man, walked into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, “Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?”
    A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said, “It’s my dog. Why?”
    “Well,” squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, “I believe my dog just killed it, sir.”
    “What?” roared the big man in disbelief. “What in the hell kind of dog do you have?”
    “Sir,” answered the little man, “it’s a little four week old female puppy.”
    “Bull!” roared the biker, “how could your puppy kill my Doberman?”
    “It appears that your dog choked on her, sir.”
  • A family of moles had been hibernating all winter. One beautiful spring morning, they woke up. The father mole stuck his head out of the hole and looked around. “Mother Mole!” He called back down the hole. “Come up here! I smell honey, fresh made honey!”
    The mother mole ran up and squeezed in next to him. “That’s not honey, that’s maple syrup! I smell maple syrup!”
    The baby mole, still down in the hole, was sulking. “I can’t smell anything down here but molasses….”
  • A burglar broke into a home and was looking around. He heard a soft voice say, “Jesus is watching you”. Thinking it was just his imagination, he continued his search.
    Again the voice said “Jesus is watching you”. He turned his flashlight around and saw a parrot in a cage.
    He asked the parrot if he was the one talking and the parrot said, “yes.”
    He asked the parrot what his name was and the parrot said, “Moses.”
    A man goes into a cinema with his dog to watch a film. It’s a romantic comedy and when there’s a funny seen the dog starts laughing. A little later on there’s a sad part and suddenly the dog starts crying.
    This goes on throughout the entire film, laughing and crying at all the right places. A man sitting a few rows back has witnessed the entire thing and decides to follow the man out.
    In the foyer, he approaches the dog owner and says, “That’s truly amazing!”
    “It certainly is” The dog owner replied, “He hated the book!”
    The burglar asked, “what kind of people would name a parrot Moses?”
    The parrot said, “the same kind of people who would name their pit bull Jesus”.
  • A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp: “Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?”
    And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he’s on her level, and asks: “Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle bwown wabby over there?”
    The little girl puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice: “I don’t fink my pyfon really giveths a thit.”
  • A man walks into a bar and says “Bartender gimme a triple shot of Jack”. The bartender pours, and the man downs it, slams the glass on the bar and says “Another”.
    The bartender pours another. The man downs it and says “Another”.
    As the bartender pours the third glass he says, “Mister you drink like you have a problem. Want to talk about it?”
    The man says, “Ten years, ten years I’ve been married to my wife, and today I go home a little early to surprise her, and I find my best friend, MY BEST FRIEND, in bed having sex with her.”
    The bartender says “Geez, what did you say.”
    The man says ” I told him, BAD DOG! BAD DOG!”
  • A lonely frog, desparate for any form of company telephoned the Psychic Hotline to find out what his future has in store.
    His Personal Psychic Advisor advises him, “You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you.”
    The frog is thrilled and says, “This is great! Where will I meet her, at work, at a party?”
    “No” says the psychic, “in a Biology class.”
0 replies

Leave a Reply

Want to join the discussion?
Feel free to contribute!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *